I’ve had a serious weight problem my entire life. Well, since I was about five, I guess. But, at 30, that’s pretty much a lifetime. On 15 January 2009, I decided to change my life or – at the very least die trying.

I weighed in at 150 kilograms and was pretty bleak about it – although I put on a brave face.

Back then, I worked for a prominent men’s magazine where, besides actual responsibilities, I played a character called Captain Beer, a (really) fat dude in a superhero outfit who travelled the country in search of the drunkest parties.

I am a happy-go-lucky dude on the surface, and I also like to party, have a drink and hang out. So I wore my weight on my sleeve, so to speak, and I loved every minute of being The Captain.

But beside the character, being really fat is pretty shitty. And eventually, I couldn’t even force a smile.

I’ll never forget 15 January 2009. I see it as my new birthday. On that day, my good friend Matt – who’d urged me to start training and dieting, out of concern and kindness – came over and literally dragged me with him to gym.

Matt’s one of those naturally healthy, naturally drawn-towards-exercise types who likes to help people. He got me training and showed me basic form.

I was reluctant at first. And grumpy, bitter, sore and hopeless. Our goal was to get me to weigh less than 100 kilos in a year, a seemingly impossible task. Matt never wavered, though, and his belief, slowly but surely, rubbed off on me.

Eventually, the pain of constant stiffness subsided or rather became kind of pleasant. That about-to-drop-dead feeling whilst training turned into an adrenaline rush, and next thing you knew, I’d dropped 20 kilos in four months.

And that’s when I met my trainer and dear friend Warren Germishuizen. Warren is a competitive bodybuilder, a nutritionist, a personal trainer and a righteously good dude. He’s also buff as all hell and offensively handsome.

He works at the gym where I train, and I’d prejudged him to be a typical jock. I expected the first words to come out of his mouth to be “boet” or “charna”. But lo and behold, he was eloquent, polite and sincere.

He introduced himself, told me that my progress was inspirational (which I found hard to fathom, given how fat I still was) and that he’d like to help me achieve my goals. I told him thanks, but I couldn’t afford his services, to which he replied that he didn’t want me as a client, he just wanted to explain some things about nutrition and, if I was willing, to put me on a proper diet.

With Warren’s help, and Matt’s ongoing support, I reached my goal of weighing 100 kilos in less than 10 months. I celebrated by getting a tattoo and drinking a protein shake.

After 13 months, I’d lost 60-plus kilos and weighed in at a healthy and fairly well-muscled 86kg. My love life improved dramatically. I could buy any clothes I wanted (or could afford, at any rate) – and I felt great.

But it took a lot to get there. And it’s taken much more to stay there. I’ve had my ups and downs, and I’ve made as much peace as I think I ever will with the fact that whatever makes me eat will always be with me. I’m a life-timer, and controlling my fatness is a lifetime commitment.

There are those who lose their way a little, gain a few kilos, and then lay off the pies and hit the treadmill and wham, they’re back at size 34 again. I’m not that guy. Somewhere in my brain, a large, angry piece of me is, and always will be, really fat. I battle it every day. And I have my relapses. But I deal with it as best I can.

These are eight guidelines that I use to keep me on track:

Have a wingman
Having a training partner really helps. One who is motivated, whom you get along with, and whose approach to training differs from yours. I have my boy Matty Plaxton-Harrison. And I’d much sooner let myself down than I would him. Beware of laziness-enablers! Try to find someone who loves training. Who’ll do so without you if you fade. Otherwise you may just become his excuse to hit the pies in front of American Idol instead of bashing it at the gym.

Two-week theory
Keep in mind that anything you do will only affect you in two weeks. If you empty a 24-hour Woolies on the way home from a big night out, you’ll feel and see the effects in two weeks. Same goes for a good week of dieting and training. You’re not going to suddenly get in the shower and notice that everything is ripped. But in two weeks, it’ll make itself visible. The idea behind this is to avoid the failed idea that you can binge today and do a little extra exercise tomorrow, and it’ll level out. The body doesn’t work like that. Invest in the week after next. It’ll be worth it.

Double-time theory
Whatever “bad” you do will require double the amount of “good” to cancel. For example, if you go on holiday for three weeks, and totally cut loose, it will take six weeks of concerted, streamlined excellence to counteract. If you can commit to that from the outset, and make it a firm “plan”, you’ll be fine. Enjoy your time off.

Learn to love it
You have to learn to love training. Or it will eventually break your will. Now I’m not saying you to love gym – it’s not for everyone – but your body is designed to move, sweat and recover. And somewhere out there is a sport or activity that you will love. Find it. Just remember that, with gym (and indeed all strenuous physical activity) there is a period where you will feel worse. This is exercise’s biggest barrier to entry. If your first week of hard training made you feel awesome and healthy, everyone in the world would be in shape. Believe, though, that a day will come when you will look forward to it and enjoy the process. I promise.

Learn to hate it
That’s right. Hate it. Because you’ve committed yourself to it, and you will do it. Like it or not. So on that cold, winter’s morning, when you stayed up two hours longer than you should have watching TV, and you’d rather die than get out of bed and train… well, suck it up, champ. How often do you wake up, and you’d rather die than go to work? But you go. Because you have to. File “training” in that same part of your brain.

Pre-prepare
Cooking the entire week’s food is a great way to stay on top of your diet. If you’re hitting the shops for each meal as you go along, things like hummus, kitka-bread and mayonnaise will creep into your life. Try seasoning and grilling twelve chicken breasts at a time – they will keep for at least five days. The same goes for lean, ostrich mince and patties. Pre-planning puts you under pressure to eat, so food doesn’t go to waste, along with your heard-earned cash.

Leadeth thyself not into temptation
It’s your fridge, man (or woman.) Take the power back. Stock up on things that you shouldn’t eat, and you will eventually eat them. If you’re taking a diet day off and are having friends over, make a chicken korma for the right amount, so you don’t have three days’ worth of leftovers seducing you. If you – like me – have a fear of under-catering, then send your friends home with a doggie bag, or feed the security guard at your gate. They’ll appreciate it, and you’ll prevent fatness.

Forgive yourself
This is the toughest thing to learn. I don’t know if you ever actually “learn” it. I think you work at it. It’s tough for me. I have a long history with this nightmare of food addiction, and remorse is your most ferocious enemy. It can crush you far more violently than the pie you ate that you’re remorseful about.

So you got drunk, smashed a KFC Streetwise Nine and then fell asleep with a Kit-Kat in your mouth… Get over it. I mean, feel a bit bad, sure. You don’t want to make it a habit. But, if you see one stumbling block as having undone all your good work, you will break eventually. Slap yourself on the wrist, apply some double-time theory, and get back up. It’ll take two days of excellence to undo the psychological (and physical) damage of one day’s excess. And, in two weeks, you’ll see the result. Get started now. Two weeks will be here sooner than you think…


Gord Laws is the inspiring author of this weight-loss and wellness feature. This is just one of a series of five blogs, and Gtribe will be running them all. But, we understand how Gord’s guidance can really strike a chord, so if you simply cannot wait for our next issue, then click on over to www.mojodojo.co.za to read the entire series, including:
*It only hurts at first
*A call to arms
*Fat… ancient ally, modern enemy
*With a song in your heart
*At www.mojodojo.co.za